I came out as nonbinary in eighth grade, but now at 16, I’ve come to realize that even those who are accepting don’t really understand what it means.
To preface, there are many different gender identities outside the gender binary of “woman” and “man,” each with varying definitions. People who don’t identify with the concept of gender might identify as agender. Those who feel comfortable with any gender and find their identity to change might identify as genderfluid. Linguistically, the term nonbinary refers to gender outside the binary as a whole (and in some cases is used as an umbrella term), but how I and many others relate to the word is a lot different than how people interpret it.
Many people mistakenly perceive the nonbinary identity as a middle ground between the two binary genders of “man” and “woman,” when in reality, it is its own separate identity. With my experience, I want to help clarify this misconception, explain how it’s harmful and how a person can actually respect nonbinary people, to help them feel truly accepted.
A lot of people come to believe that to be nonbinary, a person must present androgynously. But, much like how women can wear suits and men can wear dresses without defining themselves as the opposite gender, a nonbinary person doesn’t owe anyone an outward stereotype of their identity. Nonbinary people don’t rely on gender stereotypes to define themselves.
But stereotypes and assumptions regarding how a person expresses their nonbinary identity is only one part of the problem. The real hurt stems from those who believe that nonbinary is an in-between identity that represents an indecisive moment in a person’s life. Those people lose any respect or understanding for the nonbinary population and go so far as to call the identity a trend. Even allies of transgender men and women will disregard this ever-present and real identity.
Debra Soh, a former academic sex researcher who has written for conservative publications, wrote in an article for The Washington Examiner that “jumping on the non-binary bandwagon because it’s trendy also does a disservice to transgender adults who have transitioned to live with binary sexes because it commodifies and trivializes the hardships they face.”
Let me be clear. Being nonbinary is not a trend; it has always been around. For instance, the phrase “two-spirit” is an umbrella term derived from multiple tribes to describe Native American people who live within their societies while bearing the identity of neither man nor woman. While it’s a recent term, the concept of people existing outside the binary has existed among Indigenous people worldwide for centuries.
Being nonbinary means facing some of the same struggles faced by trans men and women. Nonbinary people often deal with gender dysphoria, or feeling uncomfortable in their body because it clashes with their gender identity, which trans people feel as well. In fact, because nonbinary people face this gender dysphoria and identify outside of the gender they were born into, nonbinary people are considered part of the trans community.
The belief that nonbinary people don’t exist, are just a trend, or can’t pick between being male or female leads to a lot of disrespect, regardless of intention, frequently through misgendering.
Many nonbinary people use they/them pronouns because it’s very uncomfortable to be referred to as “she” or “he” when you’re neither. Unfortunately, even though using the correct pronouns can make a world of a difference to feeling accepted by friends and family, a lot of people tend to fail to get them right on a regular basis. For most this is just a slip of the tongue and unintentional misgendering. However, when it happens frequently, even unintentionally, misgendering sends the message that you do not believe, respect or take seriously the identity of your nonbinary friend or family member.
You may argue that, we, your nonbinary peers, should simply correct you. But it gets exhausting, even if it wasn’t hard in the first place. Correcting people can create this awkward moment over and over again where it presents this constant reminder that whoever you’re talking to still associates you with a gender you don’t identify with. Correcting people becomes an uphill battle of just wishing those around you would try harder. It shouldn’t be our responsibility to make sure you get it right.
Pronouns may seem like a small aspect of being nonbinary, but when someone fluently and constantly uses my correct pronouns, which are they/them, I feel safe and accepted. I feel reassured in my gender and confident in my relationship with said person. Pronouns may seem like a small aspect of being nonbinary, but it can make a world of difference; you can send the message that you truly care and respect the identity of whatever nonbinary person you interact with if you work at correctly representing their gender identity when you refer to them. And if you don’t really know what nonbinary means, do research and ask questions.
Absolutely do not just walk around misgendering someone (even by accident) and awkwardly trying to use the right pronouns when someone corrects you, only to mess up again moments later. Consistency is key in making someone feel respected.
The nonbinary experience looks and feels different for each person who holds the identity. It’s often misinterpreted, and people don’t take the time to learn about it. Hopefully, it will become more broadly accepted, and someday it won’t feel as difficult to come out to people. Please take the time to understand.
Cora Thompson is a sophomore at The MASTERS Program. Contact them at cgthompsonsf@gmail.com.
