Decreased newspaper readership has tragically affected contemporary teenagers in countless ways. Particularly notable is the drastic decline in horoscope readership by young people. Understanding the stars isn’t easy, which is why almost every newspaper in the U.S. runs the same gypsy-written, Associated Press-approved horoscope. To help the youth of Santa Fe discover their astrological fates and fortunes, the Generation Next staff has generated this simple, easy-to-use guide. May the constellations dictate your life forever!
To understand your horoscope, you must know your zodiac sign. Zodiac signs correlate to one’s birthday and … some constellations or planets or something like that. Here are the 12 signs and some common traits associated with them:
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Nautical — Those born under this sign are water babies, and they unconsciously reflect this in their personal fashion. So, the next time you want to beat on some pretentious Aquarius jerk wearing boat shoes and too-tight anchor-patterned shorts, remember that they were born that way.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20): Fishy — Pisceans tend to be slippery, scaly types with big, goggle-like eyes and respiratory problems when they venture too far from water.
Aries (March 21-April 19): Hard-headed — Aries is the sign of the ram. Thus, those born under this sign tend to absorb concussive blows better than other people. Roughly 90 percent of all NFL linemen were born under Aries.
Taurus (April 20-May 20): Color blind — Just like their nominal bull, those born under this sign struggle to see colors, though they are excellent at charging toward moving objects.
Gemini (May 21-June 21): Nerdy — the only zodiac sign to be used as a NASA mission title. Need we say more?
Cancer (June 22-July 22): Diseased — between their unfortunate name and crab-shaped constellation, Cancers have a reputation for feeling sick.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22): Italian — The two most famous Leos of all time: da Vinci and DiCaprio.
Virgo (Aug. 23- Sept. 22): Mysterious — No one knows what exactly a Virgo is, which lends the sign to enigmatic figures.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Extremely righteous — The scales of justice are the symbol of the Libra. Not surprisingly, few politicians are born under this sign.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Super-cool — Scorpio is the only zodiac sign that anyone would voluntarily get a tattoo of.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Mythological — Not only is Sagittarius a half-man, half-horse, but it’s also the most moved zodiac sign. With at least three different sets of dates associated with the sign, finding an actual Sagittarius is about as easy as finding a real-life centaur.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Resentful — No matter how much fame or glory they acquire, Capricorns will always find their birthdays overshadowed by Christmas and New Year’s Day celebrations. The sign of the goat, Capricorns also show an amazing propensity for goatee growth.
Aaron Stevens is a recent graduate of Santa Fe Prep. You can contact him at firstname.lastname@example.org.