As I walked in the front door, Tammy, the Chihuahua, looked at me and cocked her head. She didn’t recognize the visitor. Alice, her owner, said she was so desperate to find true love that she hired a dog whisperer to ask Tammy for advice. Tammy told the psychic she didn’t like the man with “the black shiny shoes.”

“What does this mean?” I asked. “That was my ex-boyfriend, he’s a state trooper,” Alice replied. “But of course, that’s the first thing a Chihuahua would notice,” I answered.

We proceeded to the poorly lit master bedroom, which had a sad tone to it. On the far right in the love sector was a round table with a potted cactus. To the left was a desk with files stacked several inches high and samples of detergents. Alice was a marketing specialist for a major big-box brand.

With slumped shoulders and tears in her eyes. she whimpered, “I’m over 40, overworked, and sooo lonely! Christmas is around the corner and Tammy and I can’t bear another holiday all by ourselves.” Alice felt all washed up, and not because she sold soap.

“A ginormous feng shui no-no is a bedroom office. Use the sunny spare bedroom for an office and your sleep will improve,” I said.

“How will I find my prince?” Alice quipped. “The round table in the love sector stays but toss the cactus; it wouldn’t attract a cockroach. We’ll replace it with a pair of Mandarin ducks to call in a good man for you, and these ducks mate for life!”

Suddenly Alice lit up and began browsing through a box of small wooden mandarin ducks I had brought along. Meanwhile, I was distracted with creepy, tiny Tammy on the kingsize bed watching my every move with suspicion.

Alice found two ducks that appealed to her, placed them side by side on the table, and removed the cactus.

“Good job!” I said.

Weeks passed and I didn’t hear from Alice. I mistakenly assumed she had found her knight in shining armor. She finally rang me with an update and said, “I really like my little ducks but I’m afraid they aren’t working. Lately I’ve met some wonderful women, but no men. Could you come back over and see what is going on?”

I obliged and when we made our way to the bedroom I examined both ducks and exclaimed, “Hey Alice, you need a hen and a drake. You picked out two hens!” Tammy, again on the bed, began jumping up and down and making a ruckus with her obnoxious squeaky barking.

She probably spotted the mixup from the get go and was barking, “I told you so, you loser!”

I was recently opening my mail and found a holiday card from Alice. It was a photo of her and a handsome bearded man holding Tammy dressed as an elf. She wrote, “You’ve got mail, and I’ve got the mailman!”

Happy Holidays!

Stefania Masoni has been a feng-shui master for over 20 years with clients all over the world. Currently, she is a broker at Santa Fe Properties, through her knowledge of feng shui finds buyers great homes and assists sellers in preparing their properties for smooth closings. See or call 505-906-1600.


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