Mr. Claus

Honorable Mention, teens' essays

Jesse B. Koehler |

12/19/2008 - 12/19/08

I was lying awake in bed. The sound of the silence and my Dad's breathing just kept on reminding me, "You're not falling asleep, you're not falling asleep."

Usually, I wouldn't be traumatized because I was the last one up, and I couldn't get to sleep. It's just that this night was a special night; it was Christmas Eve. No kid wanted to be tired on the morning of Christmas, and I was nervous that I was well on my way to being an unfortunate kid. I also didn't want to ruin the effect of the night — going to sleep and not knowing what's going to happen, if Santa's going to come or not. I was scared I'd be awake when he came.

Basically, this was the worst night to be awake. And because I was feeling stressed about not falling asleep, it was becoming even harder. Then, I heard it. It seemed as loud as a cannon fire in the silence. There was movement coming from the living room, where we keep our tree. Immediately, my mind started freaking out and my body went dead still. The sounds went on for about 10, maybe 20 minutes.

The silence that followed was eerie. My mind started making a lot of noise, so there wasn't much room for silence. I thought, "What was that? Was it Santa? Was it my mom putting presents underneath the tree? Did I just find out that Santa isn't real?"

For some reason, I immediately assumed that it was my mom putting presents under the tree and not Santa. I figured that this was it — the time when I would discover there is no Mr. Claus. I wasn't sad. I was just, you could say, curious.

I slowly drifted off to sleep. The next morning, the presents felt completely different to me. I was thinking about the past night's events and everything that had ever helped me believe in Santa Claus.

Every kid believes in him. When you're little, you hear all the stories, see all the TV specials, and no one makes fun of your belief in Santa, because almost everyone believes. Most children learn about Santa during their first Christmas when their moms and dads ask, "What did Santa get you?" Of course there's a big, jolly man who somehow comes down our chimney and drops presents underneath the tree. That's not weird at all!

I think I always believed in him. Never in the way Walt Disney portrayed him, but in a more mystical way. I definitely liked Christmas and Santa Claus. I mean, it's a fun experience. One of my most beloved times is right before you go to sleep on Christmas Eve.

It's dark outside, but the lights on the tree are on and there is an enchanting glow over the room. We put red, green and a lot of white lights on our tree. We turn the house lights off, making the tree glow with enchanting radiance. You could look at those lights hugging the tree forever. While I was in that bewitched state, I would forget anything that I had been worrying about. I wanted to be "jolly" with everyone around me, and stay with the tree forever.

This was one of the best times of the year and I knew that tomorrow was going to be just wonderful. We put the cookies on the table, with milk guarding them, and maybe carrots for the reindeer. Then we leave the rest to him.

The next day, I opened my eyes eyelash by eyelash. As the sun hit my face, I knew the day was here and that Santa Claus had brought presents. Once my eyes were open, I lay in bed for a couple of minutes. I slowly removed the covers and opened my bedroom door. I then saw the Christmas tree and the stockings. I moved slowly to the gifts under the tree and marveled at them for a while. It's like they were telling me that I should be ready for a great Christmas.

After being told this glorious news, I went to wake up my mom and dad. The whole time I was sure it was going to be a great Christmas. Unfortunately, the joy of Christmas and the innocence of my belief in Santa couldn't last forever.

I was never really bullied by the other kids who said that he wasn't real. I had friends who said they didn't believe in the man in question, saying that they saw their dad or mom putting presents under the tree. I never got angry at them, just let them state their news and I would keep on believing.

I started to guess that Santa wasn't real. You get older and logic just starts to get in the way. You start to think that it might be some children's fable. I wanted to keep on believing, but it was hard. I think I lost the idea of a man in a red suit, but I still believed in him. I'm not saying I believed in the spirit of the dude, but definitely believed in something.

One time, I got ready to brace the reality that this man might just be a childhood dream, so I asked my mom if Santa Claus were real. I could see it dance across her eyes as she considered whether she should tell me the real answer. Luckily, she said, "I think you should wait to know the answer." I think I was relieved — a little confused about what to believe, but relieved nonetheless.

Then there was that night that I heard my mom putting the presents underneath the tree. The grand finale, in a sense, was that now I knew there was no Santa Claus. Actually, I had probably known that for awhile. This event finally convinced me there was no Santa Claus. I never have talked to anyone about it, because that would mean that it was true. That there really and truly was no Santa.

Half of me refuses to believe what I stated in the previous paragraph. The other half, has no idea what to believe. I think I know what's keeping me believing: It's the joy of Christmas. I do think I can now understand why parents would tell their kids this "lie." Kids get so happy during Christmas, there isn't a doubt in their mind that any of it is fake. It must give their parents such amusement to see their children in that state.

Look at all of America — we get so childlike when it's Christmas. There's this big, warm cozy feeling that over takes almost all of us. Those that are sad, well, some of us try to make those people happy. Why does this feeling of joy overtake us? Maybe I believe in Santa because it make perfect sense that a jolly, warm, loving, happy and basically mysterious essence — an essence we call Santa Claus — would fit into this season.