Mischief By Mistletoe at the Cougar Claw Cafe

Honorable Mention: adults' stories

Douglas Bullis |

12/18/2008 - 12/19/08

Ax, the Honorable State Representative from Hatch, entered the "Legislators Only" lounge in the Roundhouse. He observed a wastebasket next to his favorite chair. It was filled with paper.

He looked more closely. "Grrr," he growled from his bulldog jowls, "that's the Christmas Reclamation Bill I proposed just yesterday!"

Ax fumed back to the chamber. "Point of protocol, Honorable Mr. Speaker!" he sputtered as he fulminated through the doors.

"The Honorable Speaker recognizes the Honorable Representative from Hatch."

"The Honorable Representative from Hatch objects to underhanded, trash-can politics! It's outrageous!" Ax's voice curiously resembled a frog gargling molasses.

"We're delighted that you've discovered principles," The Honorable Speaker interrupted. "But what's your point in pointing out 'it'?"

"'It' depends on how you define 'it.' Right now, 'it' means the wastebasket into which somebody in this august chamber deposed my Christmas Redecoration Bill. And I know who!"

"Whom," the Speaker corrected.

"In that case, Honorable Mr. Whom, I re-propose to re-legislate the HR-683 legislation recently de-legislated into my wastebasket. To wit: The Christmas Reclimatization Bill."

The members of Ax's party rose in unison, shouting, "Right-O! Here-here! Pip-pip!" and other affirmations too numerous to mention.

The members of the opposition party rose in unison, jeering, "What next? Fireproofing Zozobra? Pumpernickel sopapillas?" and other denunciations too numerous to mention.

The Speaker rapped his gavel. "Will the Honorable Grand Panjandrum of the Peace Profession bring this chamber to order!"

The officer detached a resplendent police whistle from his resplendent police uniform and blew a mighty "FWEEEEEP!!"

Order returned, followed by everyone's hearing.

"Mr. Honorable Speaker," Ax continued, "the Honorable Opposition confusicates my Redeclaration Bill. It does not refinalize Christmas the holiday. It redefinitizes the Official State Answer to the Official State Question, namely 'Red or Green?' The Official State Answer most rightfully should be 'Green,' not 'Christmas.'"

The Honorable Representative from Chimayó leaped to his feet "I object to this slander most foul! The Chimayø RED is the pinnacle of chile perfection in our great and pinnacled state. I will not have it besmirched by the Honorable Representative's pejoratives too bilious to mention!"

Ax snorted, "The world knows New Mexico by its GREEN chiles. They proclaim 'Hatch' from stem to seed, and have ever since the dawn of chile roasters."

The Speaker glanced at the clock. Eleven-fifteen. "This is going from the ridiculous to the subprime. We will reconvene at 3:30."



By noon the Cougar Claw Cafe was filled the Stetsons of 42 legislators. The air filled with the cheery cajollery of Representatives out of session:

"Blathering bumblebrain!"

"Twittertongue thimblewit!"

and other endearments too florid to mention.

Sighed the head waitperson, "Ever wonder why Rome wasn't built in a day?"

"Bad bricks," replied the cook, who lived one syllable at a time.

A young boy entered the cafe, carrying a large box and several wreaths.

"Cute Santa hats on the kachinas," the waiter observed.

"Coyotes got blinklin' red noses," noted the cook.

Ax beckoned the boy over.

"What's them green whatchamacallies?"

"Mistletoe. It's a parasite bush in Crawdaddyford, Texas."

"How much?"

"What kinda car you got?"

"Lincoln Perambulator."

"Thirty-seven fifty."

"This thing's just a buncha leaves!"

"They're Green. Smaller the car, lower the price."

"OK, so I get a Smart Car with training wheels."

"Twenny. Careful with the leaves, they cause hives."

"Mist ... le ... toe ... leaves ... cause ... hives?"

"Good, bad, and ugly, every single itch."

Ax held out a fistful of dollars. "I'll take one."

"For a few dollars more, I'll throw in Clint the Coyote with the Winking Nose."



The legislature reconvened promptly at 3:55.

"Mr. Honorable Speaker, the Honorable Representative from Hatch desires to address this August Assembly."

"So recognized," the Speaker sighed.

"As all of you know, the Right Honorable Representative from Hatch is a magnanimous man."

Eyebrows shot up all over the chamber.

"A veritable Noble Sleaze Prize in the making," Ax continued.

"Peace Prize," the Speaker corrected.

"Don't miscorrectify me, you beetle-brained . . . I mean, Honorable Speaker from Camel Face."

"Rock," the Speaker corrected.

"The Representative from Hatch proposes to settle this 'Christmas' matter amicably. He invites everyone to the First Annual Hatch Frito Pie Fiesta at the Cougar Claw Cafe. Tomorrow! Noon!"

"In the interests of amicable and friendly amity, the Honorable Representative from Chimayo accepts the gracious invitation of the Honorable Representative from Hatch."



The doorbell of the Cougar Claw Cafe was cleverly disguised as a fang. Ax brought in two plastic tubs, one big, one little.

"Fifty Frito pies for lunch!" he ordered.

"Ain't got enough chiles," the cook growled.

"I brought some for you." Ax proffered the two tubs.

The cook took one look and didn't like the look of what looked back. "Can't use 'em. Y'see that little 't' on the side? Says 'tupperware.' Can't use no small 't' tupperware here. OSHA would coruscate my Cuisinart. Real Tupperware's got a big 'T,' like in 'Tupperware.'"

"Now, now, if you can't trust your Honorable Representative, who can you trust?"

"I ask that every November."

"Ahh, you are a veritable gentleman of the most cretinous disorder."

"Smothered or on the side?"

"On the side. Except for one I want smothered. Use the sauce in the small 't'. It's for an old pal from Chimayó."

"You wanna smother this fella from Chimayó?"

"That's not what I said."

"What you said is what you didn't mean and what you didn't mean is what you didn't say. Read it in the Tao te I Ching."



Next day the House of Representatives convened at the CCC. The Cougarista waitstaff wheeled in three chafing dishes cleverly disguised as Christmas sleighs.

"Dive in, lads, time's a-wasting," Ax rejoined.

In mere moments, smacking slurps and gladsome gurgles proclaimed the perfection of Chimayó's candent capsicums. Really.

Ax scrutinized the Honorable Representative from Chimayó as he licked clean his fork, spoon, and fingers, then declared, "This pie is the best ever baked beyond the bustling boundaries of Chimayó."

"May your rotundity ever prosper," Ax complimented.

Then he waited.

And waited.

Soon everyone in the room noticed Ax's intent gaze.

So they waited.

And waited.

And ... began ... to ... fall ... a ... slee ... p.

Soon the Cougar Claw Cafe trilled to the tremulo of 42 snores. Really.

Except for a tomcat standoff at the head table in which two patrons glared at each other most fearsomely.

"Expecting something?" the Honorable Representative from Chimayó cooed.

Ax felt a strange sensation. It was an itch itchier than the itchy spot between the shoulder blades that every mosquito knows by heart. He perspired. His eyes bulged. Soon he was scratching like a whole-body version of Whack-a-Mole.

"You ... Yowch! ... Yikes! ... TRICKED me!"

"But Honorable Representative from Hatch, in Chimayó, a host always honors a guest by presenting the guest his own plate."

He tipped his hat to the beaming cook as he moseyed to the door.

"Remember," he purred to Ax, "'Christmas' has always been 'Red' AND 'Green.'"