A Clean Slate

Malia Byrne |

12/22/2007 - 12/23/07

Second Place, teen essays

Malia Byrne offers us a candid look at a New Year's resolution — and the impact it has had on her life over the past year. Original imagery — she spent that year "in a cave of darkness and misery, like my whole life was lived inside a black sweatshirt, zipped all the way up, with the hood on, she tells us — along with her growing awareness of source of that misery — pulls the reader into the writer's process.

'5...4...3...2...1! Happy New Year!" my family shouts, as we jump in celebration.

Every New Year's Eve, I'd make the same three New Year's resolutions: Clean up my room, be nice to my brother, and make some money for myself. That was honestly all I ever wanted from my life. Two years ago, those wishes changed. I've never told anyone this, but by changing those wishes, I completely changed my life.

On the television that night there was music, laughing, acting and these beautiful people. All this on the Disney Channel, for a New Year's Eve special. The people on TV were so glamorous, they seemed to be living such a wonderful, happy life. And I thought, "I want to do that. I want to be famous. I want to sing, and act, and dance, and I want people to know who I am, and have famous friends. That would be the perfect life."

I'd never been interested in this before. I had never taken lessons in acting or singing. I mean, really, I had never thought about this before. But all of a sudden I made the decision that is what I wanted to do with my life. My New Year's resolution that year was to become famous. Simply becoming famous. That was all I wanted.

I spent that year in a cave of darkness and misery, like my whole life was lived inside a black sweatshirt, zipped all the way up, with the hood on.

It wasn't like I was trying to make the resolution come true. I didn't start taking classes, or try to get an agent; I didn't even tell my parents, who are the only people who'd be able to help me in the situation. For a whole year, I lived with a secret longing for fame, a burning passion in my heart, burning so hot and deep, like it was destroying my heart altogether. I know it sounds dramatic, but trust me — it was.

The following year, I watched the same channel, almost the same New Year's Eve special, but with a very different attitude. Something helped me realize that what was so appealing to me about these "famous" people was not that they were beautiful, and not that they were talented. It was that they were happy. They were having fun, something I had kept myself away from for the past year. The next step in the realization was getting over the idea that they were having fun, and figuring out that they weren't. They were acting like they were having fun.

That year, in complete contrast to the previous year, my resolution was to be happy. I was at a new school, had new friends, a new dance studio, practically a new life. The weather that year was perfect — I think I remember snow that New Year's Eve. There were so many things suddenly avalanching in my brain. Reasons I should be happy.

I figured that if being famous is what ends up making me happy, then I should totally follow through with my previous dreams. On the other hand, if that dream is holding me back and causing me to miss out on life, then it's hardly a dream at all. It's a nightmare. It's falling asleep on New Year's Eve and waking up at 12:06, just in time to completely miss the beginning of a new year — the only chance to start all over.

Since making that wish to be happy, that's all I've been. New Year's Eve is a chance to make goals for yourself. Just because you shut your eyes and wish for something when the clock strikes midnight, it doesn't mean the new year will come to you and hand out whatever you want. It means the new year is going to help you start over, and help you accomplish whatever you haven't accomplished in the past.

Now and forever, I will spend my New Year's Eve being grateful for the life I have and taking advantage of getting a clean slate. New Year's is one of my favorite holidays because I know that even when life seems like it couldn't get worse, it'll always give you another chance.