Anti-Fan: Change name? No, just sound
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12/25/2008 - 12/26/08
Read The Anti-Fan blog at www.theantifanblog.comTampa Bay defensive lineman Greg White has changed his name to "Stylez G." — in honor of Michael J. Fox's sidekick in the 1985 movie Teen Wolf.
This follows Cincinnati Bengals wide receiver Chad Johnson changing his name to "Chad Javon Ocho Cinco" — in honor of more publicity for the person formally known as Chad Johnson.
Well, why not?
This is America, where we glory in the individual, where we are — increasingly, it seems — desperate to prove that we are Really Different and Unique.
Speaking of which, according to Internet sources, there might be as many as 1,500 people in the U.S. with the first name of Unique. So much for truth in labeling. I don't know if any folks are named "Really Different," but I wouldn't be at all surprised.
Back to Stylez.
One can't help wondering what the person or persons who filled out his birth certificate think about the change, considering that parents often agonize over what to call their little dimpled darling.
What's that you say? "Greg" doesn't indicate that much effort on the gray-matter front? Au contraire.
As a copy editor having been exposed to all manner of name and all manner of spelling — you Destineys, Raychuls and Chuks, you know who you are — I confess an automatic dislike for any name or spelling more esoteric than Bob. But beyond that, I do think the first consideration for a name should be the same as that of the medical profession: First, do no harm.
Whomever named Greg Greg obviously thought the same way.
I must have some Dane in me. For while changing one's name is largely a snap in the U.S., in Denmark, according to a 2004 article in The New York Times, "It is the state's view that children should not suffer ridicule and abuse because of their parents' lapses in judgment or their misguided attempts to be hip."
The article went on to say that in Denmark, name changes have to be approved by the government, and a significant number of names are rejected, "mostly for odd spellings." (Ah, Denmark — copy editor paradise!)
But, alas, this is America, land of Abigayle and Landyn and Demarion ... and now, Stylez G.
The more I ruminate on name changing, though, the more I think the idea shows precious little imagination. What White should do pioneer the next great step in self-aggrandizement: the unusual and completely gratuitous pronunciation.
Thus, keep the spelling of G-r-e-g W-h-i-t-e, but insist it's properly pronounced perennial pro bowler. To pave the way, I'll show you how it's done. In my case, you still spell my name J-i-m G-o-r-d-o-n, but from now on it's properly pronounced best columnist in America.
Thank you.
