Darlings,

If you're wondering where I was last month, I can explain everything. No, I didn't run off to Las Vegas and get married in the Elvis Presley Wedding Chapel, although I do know a couple who met on SeniorDating.com and did just that. (They highly recommend it.) They were so impetuous about their romance that they didn't even sign a pre-nup. In reality, Cookies, I think it was unnecessary in their case, because they've both suffered a reversal of fortune in our current economic downturn, so there's really nothing to pre-nup about. That's the upside of their downturn: they saved a fortune on pre-marital attorney fees. Every cloud has a silver lining, and here is living proof.

I digress. Where was I? Oh, yes, I was having a high time in Kansas. Many people wonder what in the world there is to do in a place like Kansas. Actually, Dumplings, many people wonder where in the world is a place like Kansas.

So, today I'm going to take you on a little trip outside the gates of Paradise and give you a peek at a slice of life on the Great Plains. Excerpts from my diary — if I kept one — would look like this.

THURSDAY, AUG. 20. This morning I left home early and drove to Oakley, a town in western Kansas that is halfway between McPherson (Kansas) and Denver (Colorado). There, I met a friend, Susan Writer (who lives in Denver) to give her the cutest and littlest dog, who I rescued from the animal shelter a couple of days ago. Oh, dear diary, this bedraggled little thing is 3 years old and weighs only 4 pounds. His owner left town and just tossed this creature out to fend for himself. I had to have the vet completely shave him because his coat was so matted we couldn't get a brush through it. Once his hair was gone, we discovered an old scar from who-knows-what stretching down the length of his spine. Well, I'm quite sure that Charlie (the dog) will now have a much better life than his former owner (the human), wherever he ends up. If I could find him (the human), I'd have Michael Vick give him a spanking he'd never forget!

FRIDAY, AUG. 7. Today we're celebrating my friend Opal's 100th birthday. She is rail-thin (probably one of the reasons she's lived to be 100, since a "restricted calorie diet" seems to be the blueprint for longevity — I'm doomed), but her mind is very much intact, and she's still quite the lady. In fact, she was once the First Lady of New Mexico. We have a great time visiting about Santa Fe — who would think I'd find a former First Lady of New Mexico in the middle of Kansas?

Opal was married to Governor John Miles during his tenure as governor (1939-1943). I love to hear her tell about Santa Fe back then, when the Mayflower Café and Bar (at that time in the middle of the block on the south side of the Plaza) was the place where politicos gathered for drinks and gossip, the governor's house was on DeVargas Street, and the capitol was in what is now the Bataan Memorial Building.

WEDNESDAY, JULY 22 (and, Gumdrops, please note that in my would-be diary, I'm starting with the most recent spellbinding event and time-traveling backwards). Wow! I just returned from the Turks & Caicos Islands, where I spent a week with the Clem Family and friends, celebrating Duggan Clem's 18th birthday. Duggan's father, Jim, is a math professor at Santa Fe Community College and president of the board at Santa Fe Playhouse. Duggan's mother, Sherri, is assistant curator of prints and photographs at UNM Art Museum. Duggan will be leaving Santa Fe in September for the University of San Diego.

A week at a Club Med in the Caribbean! Now I'm trying to remember what my parents gave me for my 18th birthday. I do remember that I was so insecure back then that if I'd gone to a Club Med, I would've gone straight on to Brazil to have implants and liposuction so that I'd have been amply prepared for my next bikini. (Sob. Another missed opportunity.) My roommate on this trip was Duggan's older sister, Kara (an aspiring young actress and favorite friend of mine since she was 9 months old). A natural beauty at 24, she definitely does not need to use any of her disposable income on cosmetic surgeons.

Club Med Turkoise on Providenciales, the largest of the Turks & Caicos Islands... how to describe it. Clear blue ocean, white sand beach, sailing, snorkeling, scuba diving, cocktails on demand, gourmet dining, disco till dawn (that's a twitter, I think). All this activity, nourishment, libation, and entertainment for only $200 a day (and absolutely no tipping allowed). Well, needless to say, dear diary, we're going back next year.

SUNDAY, JULY 11. Am leaving on a jet plane to meet the Clems in Miami, then on to Turks & Caicos. No newspaper column deadlines to worry about this month...gone snorkelin'!

End of the princess diaries. Quick, Creampuffs, name at least one Realtor who's thriving in today's real-estate slump. Stumped? Here's one, and I'll tell you why. Years ago, when Chuck Atwell first entered the real-estate profession, he read "How to Make Millions While You're Sleeping" (or something like that), a slim book on investing in real estate, not just listing and selling it. Right then, he committed to purchasing at least one rental property a year and did so for many years. Then he systematically paid off the mortgages. (Possums, he's a very disciplined guy. Surprised??) Now he sleeps like a baby (my hero).

So long, Sweetpeas. Until next time... Oakley



(Oakley Talbott moonlights as Realtor Merrily Pierson and can be reached at merrilypierson@cox.net)