Navigate holiday stresses with help from local forums
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11/28/2008 - 11/27/08
The notion that the holiday season ought to be dedicated to celebration and family bonding is one of America's mythological imperatives. The reality for many, however, is much more complex, and for all the joy the season delivers, it also brings stress, too.Stress often unearths deeply imbedded feelings of grief or sadness. Coupled with the presence of loved ones — with whom we might not have ideal relationships — and the absence of those who have died and passed from our lives, the holidays can be fraught times indeed.
Many people will often feel guilty about the complicated feelings that arrive during the holidays, but swallowing them in silence is only more harmful.
"The holidays are weird in the best of times," said Susan Rush, the spiritual care Coordinator for Christus St. Vincent Regional Medical Center. "But there are little techniques people can use to better create their holiday."
For the second year, Rush and her colleague Marla Nowak, along with community grief counselor Dianne Barnes, will give a free series of five open forums during the month of December dealing with how to cope with grief and loss during the holidays.
"Grief is a roller coaster," Rush said. "We don't know where or when we're going to lose it. The key is to provide a container for the time, a place to pause and remember. In a time of mixed emotions, it's important to hold both grief and joy. The forum is part of that, so we don't have to grieve alone."
Rush cautioned against the traditional American way of working through grief — by blindly working through it. "People try and keep busy to ignore their feelings of grief. But that's what makes you really crazy in an already vulnerable time. People often ask themselves, 'Shouldn't I be over this?' but it doesn't work that way. You have to honor that loss. People need license to know its OK to grieve."
Rush was quick to say that the forums are "not for everybody, but an option for some." Not everyone, she said, may be ready to deal with their grief in a public setting. Not everyone may even be ready to acknowledge it. But Rush was adamant that everyone experiencing loss or sadness find some way to approach it, even if only in the privacy of their own homes and hearts. "The same thing won't always work. Even bringing up a lost one can be hard. But if no one addresses the void and remembers the loss, it will not get better," she said.
Rush outlined several techniques for defusing grief and the complex feelings that surround it this time of year:
• Create plans for events and actions, but don't cling to them. And leave plenty of room for them, and you, to change. People often feel the pressure to make the holidays "perfect" when there's only more stress that accrues in attempting to create the impossible.
• Be prepared. Know yourself and accept that things may be different and difficult. Don't let yourself be surprised by old memories and unresolved emotions.
• In the same vein, recognize the holidays may no longer be what you remember before your loss. Do not expect everything to be the same, and try not to cling to what cannot be recovered. Things will not be the same anymore, and that's OK.
• Remember that you are not alone. That might mean you have more support from loved ones than you believe, but it also means those close to you may have their own grief and may have a similar need for compassion. By helping others, you can often help yourself.
• Cut additional stresses. Minimize your schedule. Pursue only what you truly want to do, and drop everything unnecessary.
• Above all, find the way that is right for you. There is no one way to deal with grief. For some, it can be helpful to be with family and friends. Others may wish to avoid their old traditions and search for a new way to celebrate. It is possible to do things differently while still acknowledging the past. This may mean setting a space at the table for one you've lost. It may mean something as small as lighting a candle in his or her honor, or bringing out your favorite picture of your lost one.
• For quick reference, remember the four "Cs": Communicate your needs; change your routines; cut back on your activities; celebrate the memory of your loved ones.
The grief and loss holiday forums will be from 1:30 to 2:30 p.m. Tuesday; from 2:30 to 3:30 p.m. Wednesday; from 10 to 11 a.m. and again from 5:15 to 6:15 p.m. Dec. 9; with the final forum from noon to 3 p.m. Dec. 12. All forums take place in the Southwest Conference Room at Christus St. Vincent, with the exception of the first session, which will take place in Cancer Education Room, No. 1516. For more information, contact Susan Rush at 820-5240.