Thanksgiving is one of those holidays that can be both family friendly and tension filled. Learn turkey-day tactfulness from the following scenarios.

Question: My boyfriend, who is divorced, invited me to join his family for Thanksgiving dinner.

We are in a committed relationship and I'll be meeting several of his relatives for the first time. I'm nervous about making a good impression, as well as being viewed as the new woman. Can you give me some tips?

Answer: This is a complex situation. Your boyfriend is sending the message to his family that he has moved on and, for many, this will be the first time they have seen him in the company of another woman post-marriage.

Alleviate your fears by having a healthy discussion with your partner in advance of the get-together. Inquire about whom you'll be meeting, dress code, family traditions and quirky uncles.

Confirm that he has informed the host and family that you will be joining him so they can spread the word and will be expecting you. Thanksgiving can be stressful enough without springing the new girl on grandparents who still pine for the ex-wife.

One of you should contact the host to see what you can bring.

Even if he/she says "just yourselves," arriving with a dish or floral arrangement (vase in hand) will make a good first impression. As you make the round of introductions, flash a smile and extend a hand. Offer to help in the kitchen, or with other preparations.

Your boyfriend wouldn't invite you to swim with sharks, so don't let your nerves get the best of you. Meeting the relatives is a great opportunity for you to learn more about your partner, so be yourself and enjoy the moment.

Send a thank-you letter to your host afterward and you'll be riding the gravy train.

Question: My partner and I are traveling to his relative's home for Thanksgiving dinner. I've been told there will be 25 guests! When I asked how I could help, the host asked if we could bring starters and a dessert. We are staying at a hotel. What can I take since I don't have a kitchen?

Answer: This is a family feast, indeed. Your destination will dictate what resources are available to you. If the community is rural or doesn't offer ample provisions, you might consider preparing your dishes at home and packing them in your luggage. If distance, the method of travel or fear of onion dip saturating your Thursday best are prohibitive, you'll have to make preparations at your destination. A supermarket can prepare a vegetable tray or cheese and crackers ready to serve. A restaurant, catering company or high-end market can prepare hors d'oeuvres and/or desserts if your budget allows. Call ahead to order and inquire about the holiday hours of your vendors.

If you prefer to prepare your dish at your host's home, remember to clear it with him/her first, as you won't be able to bake crudités or pumpkin pie while the turkey is in the oven. Also tell your host what appliances, serving trays and utensils you require. For this size group it's common for guests to contribute, but if you're staying in a hotel, your host knows you won't be able to make bread pudding. Any contribution that takes some of the burden off of the host will be welcomed. Bon appetit!

Question: My new mother-in-law expects us to stay at her place when we visit for the holidays. Other relatives are coming as well, which means we will be sleeping on a couch or an inflatable mattress in the living room, and sharing one bathroom.

That's just not my style. Is it offensive to stay at a hotel?

Answer: As a girly-girl whose motto is "have hair dryer, will travel," I can relate to a woman's need for creature comforts. Book a room and kindly tell your mother-in-law that you're a light sleeper and want to be well rested to help peel all those potatoes.

Bizia Greene owns the Etiquette School of Santa Fe. Send your comments and conundrums to etiquette@etiquettesantafe.com or 988-2070.