I once planned a wedding for a dear friend who was so excited about the big day that she would spontaneously invite people on the spot. Her spirit of generosity and inclusiveness made everyone feel like a VIP. If only every wedding budget and venue allowed for such inclusion, there would never be a B List. But alas, more often than not, there are constraints.

Here are the more common challenges and solutions a couple face when planning their special day.

After your engagement, shouting out the news from the hilltop or immediately changing your relationship status on Facebook may cause expectant friends to ask which hotel they should book for your big day. Try to limit your announcement to immediate friends and family, whom you know will be included on the guest list.

Next step, decide the who, where and how much of your wedding day, each of which determine one another. You can always adapt the budget, so it's best to get a sense of how many people you want to share this day with and go from there.

Start by writing a preliminary guest list of those you can't imagine spending the day without, followed by those you feel obligated to invite but could do without. Add to that the parents' wish list, especially if they are footing all or part of the bill, and your list of names will probably read more like the phone book. The head count typically determines the venue, but it could be the other way around. With this in mind, if your dream list will cause the fire department to shut you down because of over capacity, then create a very discreet B List — those you can invite if the estimated 10 percent to 20 percent of A-Listers send regrets.

Etiquette dictates that the following people must be included:

• Spouse, fiancé/fiancée or domestic partner of an invited guest.

• Guests of the bridal party.

• The partners of those who will perform the ceremony.

• The parents of children in the wedding party.

• Everyone who is invited to the engagement party and showers (workplace showers are the exception).

When it comes to the workplace, the all-or-nothing rule usually applies. However, you can invite co-workers with whom you share a close friendship outside of the office, but keep talk of wedding planning to a minimum while on the clock. It is acceptable but not obligatory to invite your boss, even if you exclude co-workers.

Some couples prefer to not have children at a wedding, but printing "18 and older" on the invitation lacks tact. How you address the envelope makes your wishes heard. An envelope addressed to Mr. and Mrs. Jim Howard rather than The Howard Family illustrates the difference. Your sister might be miffed if your niece and nephew are left out, so exceptions may be made for family (but hire a babysitter for the wedding day).

Another dilemma, allowing each single guest to include "a plus one," could lead to a meet-and-greet atmosphere. In the receiving line, how many times will you silently ask, "Do I know you?" You can best handle this on a case-by-case basis. The thoughtful host and hostess should make every effort to learn the name of an invited "plus one" in advance and address the envelope in both names. When you don't know, address the envelope to "Ms. Claudia Neto and Guest."

As the invitee, you have certain responsibilities. Acknowledge how the envelope is addressed. If the "and Guest" is omitted, never write in an additional name on your reply card nor show up with an uninvited guest. Next, RSVP ASAP! Important decisions like food and liquor orders depend on your reply. If you send your regrets in a timely manner, the couple will also have time to invite someone else.

It's easy to write names down for the guest list, but crossing them off is so painful and politically fraught that it's enough to make you want to elope. In the end, it's up to the couple to invite who they like and to never feel guilted into sending an invitation. By setting boundaries and managing expectations you'll avoid cold feet and happily say "I do" on a day to remember.

Bizia Holmes Greene is founder of the Etiquette School of Santa Fe. Contact her at www.etiquettesantafe.com">www.etiquettesantafe.com or 988-2070.