Question: While attending a long opera. I need a pick-me-up after the second intermission, but I feel the glare of my neighbors when I reach for my candy. What should I do?

Answer: While sitting through the 3-hour and 15-minute performance of Don Giovanni this season, you may find yourself seduced by that little butterscotch candy lying at the bottom of your purse. There's no doubt that sugar can provide that pick-me-up. However, avoid rummaging through the abyss that is your purse by unwrapping a few candies ahead of time, and placing them in a tissue in an accessible side pocket of your purse or jacket. While you're prepping your sweets, double check that your cell phone is off and not just on vibrate, while also making sure that the alarm on your digital watch is set for a.m. and not p.m. If you are an early bird and arrived before your seatmates, stand up to let people pass by in those skinny rows. Be aware of your fidgety behavior, such as tapping toes or incessantly rocking your chair to the sounds of Mozart. And remember a night at the opera, or any theater for that matter, is a night out. Dress up for the occasion. And ladies, ensure that your date or spouse does, too! If your man is a bit helpless in this regard, at least make sure that he has something to wear and encourage him to iron it.

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Question: Whenever I'm invited to someone's home for a meal, I feel odd arriving empty handed even if the host has assured me not to bring a thing.

Answer: This is one of those scenarios where you believe the host, but on the drive over you still feel compelled to stop off at the store only to find nothing suitable, all the while the clock continues ticking. Perishable or consumable items are best because they can be consumed and not take up space on your host's knick-knack shelf. The temptation to buy flowers is often a natural thought, but unless you have a vase handy it gives the host another task while he or she is trying to get dinner ready and attend to guests. So feel free to bring an arrangement, but try and place it in a vase you don't mind parting with. A bottle of wine is a perfect gift, but do not expect it to be served this time around. Your host has planned the meal and may have chosen the wine to pair with it. You can also consider buying something small and sweet. Toward this end, we are blessed with many choices like local chocolatiers. If your culinary skills are more advanced than mine, offer to make a dish for the party at the time you are invited. Whether you bring a gift or not always follow up with a hand written "thank you" note in the first few days following, and be sure and offer to host them next time around.

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Question: Recently an acquaintance lost a child, and I was at a complete loss to know what to say or do at such a dire time when nothing you can say will relieve the immense loss.

Answer: As insignificant as your contribution may seem to you, every gesture has a positive impact. Your level of involvement will depend on your relationship. You can start with a phone call offering sympathies. Follow up with a thoughtfully written sympathy card. At a loss for what to say or write? Highlight the positive traits and specific memories of the deceased. This is always very touching. When communicating with the family think carefully about how you phrase your sentiments. Substitute "Let me know if you need anything" for "What may I do to help?" Family members don't want to be a burden, so if your offer is vague they may not take you up on it when they really do need an extra hand. You may feel they have all the support in the world in the days immediately following a death, and this is often the case. But in the weeks and months ahead, when everyone has flown home and support systems resume their routines, you may want to check in on them. This is when you truly can make a difference. Take that person out to lunch once a week or month. Stop in for tea on your way home from work. Offer to address envelopes for the thank-you letters, assist with the delicate task of sorting through the decedent's personal effects or assist with chores around the house. Pay special attention around the decedent's birthday and around the holidays. Some of these tasks and emotional output may be outside your comfort zone, but it pales in comparison to the adjustment made by family left behind. Sincerity speaks volumes in these situations, and don't assume anything. Just be generous of spirit paired with a kind tongue, and you will have lifted their hearts.

Bizia Holmes Greene is founder of the Etiquette School of Santa Fe. Contact her at www.etiquettesantafe.com or 505-988 2070