Food has always been integral to love. We bestow chocolates on our loved ones, lavish on them dinners of beef Wellington and oysters, ply them with wine and erotic cakes and heedlessly consume so that we might "consume" further. Rumi mentioned the "loaf of bread, glass of wine, and thou." The Persians believed that the leanness of this repast would fire up the engines of love (elsewhere, Rumi wrote of wooing his love with "a rind of cheese and a thimbleful of orange juice"). There are, of course, far more curious sexy food traditions that have popped up through the ages. And I, as a food writer, feel it is my duty to inform you about them — be they legends or otherwise.

* The giving of small chocolates, for example, evolved from the medieval German courtship tradition of presenting one's beloved with an assortment of body organs from the carcass of a freshly killed woodland creature. If the young lady was smitten with the young knight, she would then select the creature's heart. (Any other organ was indication of a very eloquent refusal).

* During the Ming Dynasty, or possibly the T'ang, it was considered necessary for lovers to balance their yin and yang before consummating their love. The yin being associated with all that was wet, cold and female, and the yang with that which was hot, dry and male, a whole tradition of cuisine was created with the balancing of these opposites in mind. Cold fish brains were smeared upon flat wafers made of pounded, roasted, crispy pigs' tails. Chilled duck aspic was piled into crunchy lizard-skin cups. Most notably, fresh chicken intestines were spooled inside crispy little envelope-shaped cookies. When broken, the intestines would spill out onto the table, and the pattern they formed would tell the lovers about their future. Later, when the Chinese diaspora spread to the United States (along with Chinese food), the chicken intestines were found to be unpopular and were replaced with little printed slips of paper.

* The Japanese of the samurai age had a tradition in which an ardent man would consume the heart of a poisonous jellyfish, served still-beating on a radish root carved in the image of his beloved in the likeness of the god or goddess of their choice, usually garnished with a sprinkle of goldfish roe to ensure fertility. The lover would then send sexy come-hither glances to the object of his affections. If he were successful in his quest for love, he would consume the remainder of the jellyfish, stingers and all, on the eve of his wedding night to enhance his virility. If rejected, he would throw himself off a cliff.

* The Egyptians, always intent on outdoing their neighbors in twisted behavior, would pull the mummies of their dead pharaohs out of the pyramids and hold wedding feasts for the mummies with food that had been placed in their tombs with them. No one was left very satisfied at these feasts, one imagines, but they were lavishly prepared. At the end of the ritual, any lovers present would pledge to be buried together.

* Many people don't realize that the Kama Sutra contains a voluminous chapter that itemizes in detail the specific dishes that must be served in order to enhance the amorousness of the lovers in question: curry to bring a blush to the cheek, cumin to increase circulation, anise to sweeten the breath, etc. The Kama Sutra also suggests an assortment of these spices be served in a fancy, compartmentalized dish and placed near the lovers so that — should any undesirable condition arise — the appropriate remedy would be within easy reach. The Kama Sutra also adds, as it often does, that it would be helpful to have a slew of concubines on hand to pass spoonfuls of curry to the lovers, in case they should be in some kind of complicated coitus involving headstands or something.

* The medieval Swiss had a tradition involving (as does almost everything) fondue, which entails dipping projectile-shaped food into a warm pot of goo. The maidens of the village would each be given a cow to, through their healthy Alpine efforts, produce a pot of fondue. Their creations would then be judged at a party at the chalet of the most important man in town, and the other young men (pikemen, mostly) were then blindfolded and given vegetables such as carrots and zucchini, which they would then dip into the gaily offered pots of fondue, selecting their chosen fraulein based on the quality of her gooey pot. Different young men were, of course, partial to different flavors of cheese (some liked it spicy, some sweet), but there were certain maidens whose gooey cheese was better than others — or whose various other attributes would result in a skewed perception of their fondue. This would result in an annual beer-fueled bar fight. Today these traditions are performed blindly, with the pots of cheese being represented by multidigit numbers instead of names or faces. I believe they have since found this method useful in realms other than romance.

* But no one could outdo the ancient Romans. During the Bacchanalian orgies, women would be presented to throngs of eager lovers on platters, usually surrounded by an assortment of sliced meats, fermented cheeses, pickled fish and exotic fruits, which were meant to enhance their attraction. During more lavish royal occasions, women were served inside hollowed-out elephants. It may also be somewhat of a relief to know that, at the end of the night, the ladies were the only delicacies consumed that were not vomited up again.

And so, young lovers, keep in mind when choosing your Valentine's Day nibbles that you need not fall back on hackneyed roast pigeons and tired old chocolate-dipped strawberries. There is a wealth of older, more confusing traditions to dazzle your beloved. Don't be afraid to be original, either — today's bizarre behavior is tomorrow's venerated ritual. I myself would treasure the still-beating heart of a young deer. Hint, hint.

Contact Tantri Wija at thetwija@gmail.com.