If there is one thing obesity experts and sufferers alike are endlessly seeking, it's the "magic pill."

Anything that will effortlessly melt away the pounds.

An elixir you can sip. A salve you can slather. A powder you can snort.

Unfortunately, the magic pill is like Bigfoot, a comfortable stiletto heel or a straight guy with a job who does housework — it simply doesn't exist.

Despite this fact, there are a plethora of pills out there that claim to make you lose weight. But do they deliver?

As someone who bought her first box of Dexatrim at age 13 — even though I wasn't overweight — I think I can shed some light on what these pills can and cannot do.

First off, diet pills can only help you lose weight. They don't make you lose weight. For that you still need to eat right and exercise. The effectiveness of any weight-loss drug is related to how much you eat, what you eat, why you eat, your metabolism, etc.

I know there are a bunch of late-night infomercials and B-list celebrities who will tell you otherwise, but they lie. If there is one thing you should never do — beside taunt a skunk — it's trust an infomercial actor.

Weight-loss drugs fall into three categories: prescriptions, over-the-counter and herbal supplements.

Because this is an important topic, it's going to take two columns to give you all the latest info. This week, I'll highlight the big names in prescription and over-the-counter drugs; next week, I'll talk about herbal supplements.

Prescriptions

Since 1997, when the weight-loss drugs Fen-phen and Redux were recalled after being linked to fatal heart-valve abnormalities, pharmaceutical companies have been leery to offer the public shiny new anti-obesity drugs. The makers of Meridia were the first to put their toe in the water after the "all clear" sounded. Now they pretty much rule the market.

Meridia is an appetite suppressant that helps you lose weight by making your body think it's not hungry. The results aren't stupendous. On average, over the course of a year, people following a low-calorie diet while taking Meridia lost only 10 pounds more than those who just followed the diet.

You may be thinking, "Hey, I need all the help I can get. I'll take it," but this is one of those "it depends" situations. Before you call your insurance company to see if it will cover Meridia — it won't; it'll cost you about $80 for a month's supply — think about how you eat. Do you find yourself shoveling down everything in sight? Or do you only go for high-calorie foods that are either salty or sweet?

Because Meridia is an appetite suppressant, it isn't a huge help when your appetite isn't the issue. I took Meridia for four months and never saw any change in my weight — probably because I am addicted to sugar. And I will eat sugar whether I am hungry or not. It's not my appetite that's out-of-control, but my never-ending lust for chocolate.

Over-the-counter

The big news in non-prescription weight-loss pills is Alli. It was approved in 2007 and you can buy it — around $50 for a month's supply — at Walgreen's, WalMart and such places. It is the only over-the-counter anti-obesity drug that has U.S. Food and Drug Administration approval.

According to one study, people who took Alli and followed a low-fat diet lost about seven to 15 pounds over four months.

Alli is a fat-absorption inhibitor, meaning it stops your body from taking in fat from the food you eat. With luck, the unabsorbed fat leaves your body in much the same manner that all digested food leaves your body.

I truly wish I could leave the explanation at that — but that's part of the major problem with the drug: Alli, unfortunately, also can cause "gas with oily spotting." And, I must add, "hard-to-control stool." The makers, who recommend that you wear dark pants until you know the "effects" of the drug, say that these problems mostly can be avoided if you follow the recommended low-fat diet plan.

Sadly, I experienced these side effects to a great degree even when I was eating low fat. After three days I could take no more. I lost nothing but one pair of dark pants to the trash.

Another over-the-counter drug is that old standby Dexatrim, which has been on the market for almost 30 years.

Twice since 2001, the FDA has recalled Dexatrim products after they were linked to increased risk of stroke and heart problems. And twice since 2001, Dexatrim has reinvented itself and its formulation.

Dexatrim is not FDA approved so it doesn't have to prove it gets results. And, in the many, many times I have tried Dexatrim in my dieting career, I can attest to that fact that it achieves little of anything.

Stay tuned for my Sept. 3 column about herbal supplements, when I will tell you why a bitter orange may not be so sweet for your health.

(Oooh! I sound like a TV news lead-in ...)


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